Me....But not me

After a glorious weekend full of laughter, and loved ones I boarded my plane from SFO to San Diego. As I was walking into the plane I started reading a blog of one of my personal favorite bloggers. As I stood there waiting to enter I wondered "Why can't I be more like her?"

You know in that movie "What a Girl Wants" cute British guy asks Amanda Bynes why she is trying to fit in when she was made to stand out. Since I was a kid I was always a little different from most of the females in my culture. I always had a way of my own....was very vocal, and liked to bend a few rules here and there. In her blog she was talking about her fears of cultural clash, and how out of respect and fear to her parents and culture she has avoided doing certain things in life. The very thing she has avoided to do I have done it multiple times. It's nothing bad...no where near bad, but it's just a big no no with my culture. And because I have always said "bump what ya'll think" there was another side of me that has always wished maybe perhaps I should have been like XYZ....following the rules...be one of them...instead of being the one that is being talked about.

As I asked my self this question, and wondered why I was so different I was gently reminded "because you were MADE this way". You see my culture doesn't like what I do. They may not agree with who I am, but GOD made me this way, and he is more than okay with me JUST AS I AM.

I've never been the type to spent countless hours on looking at the perfect engagement ring. I knew I wanted one if I ever got engaged, but left the stressing to whoever chooses to pop the big question. Recently a friend of mine got hitched (YAY!! Congratulations!!!). So while running errands with her I asked her "Are you going to get rings?"




Back tracking:

       I was born and brought up as an Indian Pentecostal. So we do not believe in jewelry or makeup or anything like that. Usually in an Indian Pentecostal wedding rings are not exchanged, but the more modern couples do it after the ceremony is over at their own leisure. 

So now you understand why I asked her that question. Her reply was "You know I don't need all that". I replied a with a quick "yea", but felt a little pang of selfishness when I thought "no ring...I would want a ring". So here we are few months after the wedding, and I am online shopping for rings.......for her. Yes, the same girl that said she doesn't need a ring is now in the market for one. I first I thought "WOW I wish I could go back to the place in life where I didn't want or need a ring", but when this happen I was reminded we are all human we all sort of desire that token to showcase our relationship. See here is what has occurred me in the past hour and half. The ring isn't about the size, or how much it shines (at least not for us). It's the symbolism behind it. It says some where out there, some one loves me enough to spend the rest of their life with me. It says I have a partner. It says I can walk about in my jammies all day and this person will think the best of me. It says I belong to someone, somewhere in this crazy hectic world. When I see a person's ring to me it's showing  a sign of commitment, not WOW look at how much he makes. To me it says I CHOOSE TO BE WITH GOD'S BEST FOR ME!

I wonder....
    "Does GOD keep some of your wounds/emotions raw to keep you in touch with other people who maybe going through the same thing?"

The oldest email I have in my inbox dates back 6 years. That's right I have an email sitting in my inbox from 6 years ago. I have to say often times I forget why it's in my inbox,and have almost deleted it till I read it again. Then I smile,and realize what a sweet email it was, and push from an old high school buddy with whom I rarely keep in touch with as time passed. The email goes a something like this!!

Congratulations on becoming 19 years old! I'm sorry I

missed your IM but I was at work. Ahh, 19....good

times ;) I hope you are doing well, we hardly catch

each other online anymore. I'm sure you got a big b

day cake full of candles and the like, right? Live it

up! How's school? If I remember correctly your taking

Gov't? I'm sure you can come up with a A at the end of

the semester, your highly intelligent and witty. 

  I can tell your really gonna go far, you've got a

good head on your shoulders. Your also such a hard

worker, something I admire alot about you. How's the

cancer outpatient job? (did I get that right?)  You've

had a wide range of experience in jobs now I imagine,

from Kroger to resorts and the like. Thats important

to have a wide range of experience, your definitely on

the right track. I'm so proud of you. 

  I know you've probably got alot on your plate, and

now being 19 it adds even more responsibility. I hope

you'll be safe and make right choices this year and I

know you'll continue to impress me and everyone around

you with your perseverance and great outlook on life.

Being halfway through my 19th year, I'd like to pass

on some sage advice since im soooo much older than you

;) You do like older men right? just kidding. 

    Remember to take it slow and not move too fast

through anything you may encounter, relationships

espescially. Keep a large part of yourself back from

people and the world, and maintain yourself as a

individual, not as a part of the significant other.

How is your 'like-life'? I think its really smart of

you to call it that since love is just a abstract

concept and we dont really know its full extent right

now being so young. I found that out the hard way, and

got burned. Take it from someone who lived with their

ex for almost half a year. >_< 

  Do you ever think back to SHHS at all? I find

myself zoning out sometimes at work or school thinking

about us back in class together, somehow always being

able to make you laugh and have fun. That was my goal

if i was going to a class you were in, making you show

that beautiful smile brought about on your face from

one of my corny jokes or the like. Looking at the

wedding pics you sent me, I gotta say thats one of

your greatest features is your wonderful, friendly

smile.

  I think my favorite antics with you were along the

lines of like 'when were married this is how its going

to be...' everyone said we always fought and  joked

around like we were a old couple so I incorporated

that into anything I could. Such as getting  my drink

while i watch the game when we were married etc. and

you would always say "Pfft. Boy, your getting it

yourself!" What got me was that you werent shocked at

the idea of us together. :o jk. 

I like to think we really had fun and enjoyed each

other's company alot during those 'golden years'. Well

enough reminiscing and looking back, you've got to

look forward to all the good things coming your way

being 19 now! You better have fun, but also remember

to get some R&R. Your always working or doing

something, but take some time for yourself every now

and then. 

  For the love of me, I think I lost your cell #

again! I got a new phone, plus I had to reformat

again.(Actually, i think a certain someone kept

deleting it from my speed dial >_<) If you could throw

that my way again, that would be great. 

  One of these days we should really grab a bite to

eat or something and catch up when were both not at

school or work. I'm still holding you to standing me

up at steak n' shake. Now, you owe me. :p Well take

care and lets keep in touch, and dont forget to share

that wonderful smile!

          ^_^ -Luke 'Lucas'

I loved to call him Lucas mainly because I think it irritated him just a bit. This email gives me a glimpse of myself 6 years ago. Things like I never referred to my dating life as my "love life" I called it my "like life". At such a young age what could I possibly know about this thing called love. Luke made class fun for me. He thought I was a warrior for going to school, playing sports, and work all at the same time. He loved to harass me, and insinuate that I was his gf. I would make a disgusted face, and tell him off. Out of everything in this email the thing that sticks out to me is his faith in me. His faith that one day I will do something, make something of myself, and be someone.


Then as I clean my inbox some more I come across another email

LOL. Why did the sure voice tell you to shut up? I will definitely keep you in my prayers. You will figure it out. You seem like a smart, level headed girl. I noticed that the first time I met you. What are you . . . 22? You're young and you have plenty of time to figure it out . . . but don't take too long. - Alex

I wondered how did absolute strangers see these things in me? What about me tells me I am level headed? That I am smart? Or that I am on the right path? And am I the only one who hasn't seen it?


Then I look back to Luke's email, and I wonder did I take any of his advises? If he saw me today would he think the same off me. But then I breathe, and realize he said that when I was 19... years later in my 20's some one else noticed the exact same thing. So I must be doing something right huh? Till I feel like I am on the right path again I will do exactly what Lucas said "Keep smiling"