Entitlement: Part Two

My heart started pounding as I walked in through the doors of Starbucks. I did my best to put a brave face, but I kept asking myself "How do I dive into this conversation?" "What do I say?". While I waited for his arrival I distracted myself by talking to my cousin. I also text my bf and bff to pray for me. "You here yet?" He texted! I replied "Yes sir". I waited....what will my facial expression be like? Do I smile? I tired to push these thoughts away, and kept telling asking God "give me words to speak". And then after a year and half a familiar face walked in through those doors. I flashed a huge smile, and went in for a hug. "Hey, how are you!? Wow you are half the man you used to be" I said in a joking manner. We both laughed and sat down. I thought to myself "OK what now?" So we started our idle chit chat...catching up on lost time so to speak. I kept telling myself "OK don't derail from the conversation you really want to have. BUT how do I jump in it??"

We kept talking and catching up. I watched my every move. Made sure I didn't do anything that could take this conversation out of context. Most times I'm a touchy feely person when having conversations. I like to push people around in a playful manner, or somehow touch them when explaining something. I kept my hands to myself playing with my jewelry. And as the conversation flowed, it flowed right into why I came there in the first place. "OK this is it" I thought "time to say what you need to say". So I did a little back tracking and explained the reason on why I asked him to meet me there. He listened, he accepted, he opened up, and we talked some more. I told him how I felt entitled to feel a certain way towards him, and apologized for doing so. He said he didn't blame me, but I knew that was not the point.

I'm so glad that GOD opened up my eyes to see my error, and I truly do regret saying some of the things I said or felt. But I know that there is no going back. The words have already been spoken. All I could do was apologize to him, and as GOD for his forgiveness. Another lesson I learned about entitlement.....you can't take back the things you say because you felt entitled to say it. Though I never bashed him, I did paint him as the bad guy...the big bad wolf, and I was the scared little girl. Yes it wasn't ideal, yes harmful action were done, but that doesn't make your reaction the right one.

At the end of the day I'm glad that GOD made me see my true state of mind, and was patient enough with me to give me the opportunity to change my course. In the same token it was just a gentle reminder that I could afford to do the same.

To GOD be the glory!