Stripped

When I first started talking to my bf I was beyond surprised at how many of his friends I actually knew, and knew of me. Having come from a relationship where I was barely known off this was a whole new territory for me, and rather exciting. But as time went by I felt as if I wasn't accepted. It bothered me a lot. I would sit there for hours obsessing about why they aren't responding to me as I thought they should respond to me. In my mind we should have been able to call each other, and have girl talks, and confide in each other our struggles while giggling about how much the guys don't "get it". I thought I should be gaining sisters especially older ones instead of being in a room with people with whom I barely had much to say with. My expectations of them were high. I was coming from being the big sister, little sister, care taker, and listener that when I did get into this relationship my need for wanting a little bit nurture was awakened. A side of me that I didn't know existed because I was always on the giving end of it.All of the sudden I wanted a big sister someone with whom I can laugh, cry, share even just a little bit instead of being "strong". I have to admit I was getting a bit tired of the "strong" role. I wanted to be viewed as a human being, and not just a "strong" individual. As the days became months my expectations grew into disappointments, and some days resentment.I won't lie there were times my bf would tell me what a great conversation he had with XYZ and I had to do everything in my power not to roll my eyes, and soc him in the face. I started analyzing everything about me. Am I too churchy? Am I judgmental? Do I not wear the right type of clothes? Am I too opinionated? All of this slowly took a hit on my relationship with him as well, because I was convinced he didn't get it and he never would get it. There was a part of me that on days was mad at him for not understanding my side. Everything that I had to offer as an individual I kept throwing it out the window, because I didn't deem it as good enough for others.

I never not once stopped to think about the people who have accepted me with open arms. I pushed that aside,and ran after getting the acceptance of people who didn't show that much interest in me. Like I've ALWAYS done since childhood. From my aunts, to grandmothers, to my own father, and my ex. Running after them to win their approval and affection. To show them I was good enough to be considered by them. And each time I threw out of the window everything that I had to offer as an individual. By the time 25 came around I have practically stripped myself of everything. My life was high lighted by most of the negative things. I mostly saw flaws. And when I told people you just don't understand what I was really saying was "I want you to see it exactly as I do. Feel my pain...dislike this person for making me feel wanted". I'm glad no one has slapped me across the face as a response and said "No you don't understand, and stop spending so much time obsessing over the ones that don't want to be a part of your life". At this exact moment as I type away these raw words of exposing myself for who I really am. I'm not writing it in past tense of that used to be me. I am saying...right now....this very moment THIS IS ME. Someone who has stripped herself of everything GOD saw valuable. Someone who always ran after fixing the situation with a person who could care less about fixing anything. No I haven't found an answer, but I figure I should start some where. So I started with admission. I started with my words, and my only request is that people don't treat me differently because I was honest enough to say what was rooted deep within me.