Reliving My Anthem....

Been feeling a bit non independent lately...LOL!!! SMH. I feel like a fish out of water....and it's not something I'm used too....But this just gave me the push to keep going & keep finding my passion.

Entitlement: Part Two

My heart started pounding as I walked in through the doors of Starbucks. I did my best to put a brave face, but I kept asking myself "How do I dive into this conversation?" "What do I say?". While I waited for his arrival I distracted myself by talking to my cousin. I also text my bf and bff to pray for me. "You here yet?" He texted! I replied "Yes sir". I waited....what will my facial expression be like? Do I smile? I tired to push these thoughts away, and kept telling asking God "give me words to speak". And then after a year and half a familiar face walked in through those doors. I flashed a huge smile, and went in for a hug. "Hey, how are you!? Wow you are half the man you used to be" I said in a joking manner. We both laughed and sat down. I thought to myself "OK what now?" So we started our idle chit chat...catching up on lost time so to speak. I kept telling myself "OK don't derail from the conversation you really want to have. BUT how do I jump in it??"

We kept talking and catching up. I watched my every move. Made sure I didn't do anything that could take this conversation out of context. Most times I'm a touchy feely person when having conversations. I like to push people around in a playful manner, or somehow touch them when explaining something. I kept my hands to myself playing with my jewelry. And as the conversation flowed, it flowed right into why I came there in the first place. "OK this is it" I thought "time to say what you need to say". So I did a little back tracking and explained the reason on why I asked him to meet me there. He listened, he accepted, he opened up, and we talked some more. I told him how I felt entitled to feel a certain way towards him, and apologized for doing so. He said he didn't blame me, but I knew that was not the point.

I'm so glad that GOD opened up my eyes to see my error, and I truly do regret saying some of the things I said or felt. But I know that there is no going back. The words have already been spoken. All I could do was apologize to him, and as GOD for his forgiveness. Another lesson I learned about entitlement.....you can't take back the things you say because you felt entitled to say it. Though I never bashed him, I did paint him as the bad guy...the big bad wolf, and I was the scared little girl. Yes it wasn't ideal, yes harmful action were done, but that doesn't make your reaction the right one.

At the end of the day I'm glad that GOD made me see my true state of mind, and was patient enough with me to give me the opportunity to change my course. In the same token it was just a gentle reminder that I could afford to do the same.

To GOD be the glory!

Where I am

Hosanna

Heart of Worship

I'm coming back to the heart of worship
And it's all about You,
It's all about You, Jesus
I'm sorry, Lord, for the thing I've made it
When it's all about You,
It's all about You, Jesus


From the age of 11 to about 20 I didn't know many Christian songs, but this was one of the ones I knew, and sang many times. I love discovering new worship music, but there is a sense of comfort in all the old ones. Yesterday as I rushed to church (due to over sleeping my alarm) I heard this song, and had to pause just for a few moments. 


When the music fades, and all is stripped away and I simply come. That's it! I thought....that's worship. No cheerleaders, no fancy music, just you and I. It's not about I smiled, I raised my hands and it made me feel better....it's not an I thing...it's a YOU thing. Yet somewhere between the music fading and now, it was changed. Worship became singing out instead of singing up. The heart of worship went missing among many. 


Isn't it time we get back?

Starting to realize more and more with each passing day that life is what you make it. If you want to let your past disappointments dictate you, then so be it. However, if you are ready to shake it off, and realize that after each fall you can still get up....then LET'S GO!!!

Entitlement

I recently finished a book/devotion/Bible study called the Bait of Satan for the second time in 3 years. I must say the first time I went through it I got the concept of what the Spirit of offense is, but this time around I was able to get a deeper understanding. After six months of reading, praying, and answering questions I thought there was no more anger/unforgiveness/hurt/resentment in me. I truly searched myself, and said "LORD I really don't feel angry when I think about the people who have offended me". At the very end of the book the author has a prayer, and in that prayer it says to "reveal" if there is anyone I am offended with. I honestly kept thinking "GOD I'm good...I honestly can't think of anyone I am mad at" , but at the same time I did want him to show me if I had swept something under the rug. Four days later I had a true encounter with someone who has hurt me deeply in my past. As I sat there having a real conversation with this person (which I have avoided at all cost for over a year) I saw a ribbon in anger in me. Now you are wondering what the heck is a ribbon of anger?? When I was talking to this person I literally visioned a small ribbon. It's so thin and unnoticed, but it's still there if you care to go through and look for it. I then realized that I have been walking around slightly mad at this person. Though I didn't tell everyone everything this person has done to hurt me I would roll my eyes at the mention of their name, and think they don't even deserve my scrap as friendship. I spoke rudely about this person when I spoke to my closest friends. I felt that people needed to know this person isn't the best person in the world. They've truly hurt me, and they didn't get hurt in the process. I felt entitled to feel the way I felt.

That's the thing about offense we often feel that we are entitled to feel a certain way, because of how people treated us. Peter asked Christ how often he should forgive an offender, and his reply was simple "seven times seventy". We should forgive so often that we loose count. What if GOD got tired of forgiving us for every thing we do? What if he kept count of every wrong? Last night was reminded of two things over again "Deliverance is NOT an event, but it is a walk" and "The only thing I am, and was entitled too was death, and HE took that one away from me too". Few days ago I didn't think I had any anger or resentment in me, and that when I acted a certain way it was because it was normal. I was being tough...I was just protecting myself, but he said "Not so...take a look again". So from today on wards I choose to pray that he grids me up, and helps me get over that small unnoticed ribbon of anger and resentment. In fact I'm already believing that it is done, and that IT IS BROKEN!!!

Waiting on Prince Charming....Starting.....TOMORROW

Every girl has dreamed of the day when she gets to put on that big pouffy dress, and walk down the aisle while angelic music is being played. All eyes would be on her, while she focuses on the man that is waiting for her up front. Unfortunate for my prince charming I have never spend too much time and effort on this thought. I am what most folks will prefer to as "passive" when it comes to the idea of marriage or a wedding. Though in my past I have looked for love in all the wrong places happily forever wasn't quite the agenda at hand. Well that is until now! I am now what most people to refer to as "an adult". I am also in a very healthy, GOD centered relationship so the idea of marriage is a wee but more realistic now that it was year or so ago. So last night my significant other challenges me! He challenged me to pray a bold prayer towards marriage. I said I would, then this morning I thought "am I really ready for the idea of marriage?". I can easily see us spending the rest of our lives together as man and wife, but has GOD prepared my mind to take on that role. There are days I can say "WHY YES OF COURSE!!! I can do all things through CHRIST who strengthens me!!". Then there are days like today when I get a little "worried", because I think if I get married I'm giving up ME. That after marriage there won't be any more exciting tales, or trips with my friend, or my own space, and freedom. I won't be just me....it'll be me + 1. Will I be able to do random acts? Pick up and leave? Not wash the dishes till I feel like it? Yes yes it is all quite selfish, and I can honestly say the reason I choose not to be married right now is because of my slight selfishness. But then in the recent years it became about GOD's timing,and him preparing me for that very moment that I walk down the aisle, and then the time afterwards. I have to say he has brought me a mighty long way in my thinking towards marriage and commitment, but I KNOW he has some more to do before he can let me walk down that aisle. 

So prince charming I will wake up tomorrow and continue to seek GOD in our "Godly tale"